xx Pennae Aerum xx

What's new in my life: Starvation Diet Go.

I'm sick of the comments still coming, and I have 0 time to get to the gym. So, oh well. I gots me some vitamins!

I'm sick.

Sick and tired of this bullshit.

My weight.
Went from 380ish->220lbs. I'm tremendously proud of myself. The thing is, like many other people I need reassurance from other people. Why? Maybe I'm lame, shouldn't being happy for myself be top priority? That's -really- easy to say you know and yes, in the beginning, if someone called me fat I was like fuck you I lost 160lbs, go DIAF. But you know, after a while with people still just with the fat jokes, with just mentioning the word fat and me in the same sentence or acting a certain way just erodes my mental state. It shouldn't affect me this way I guess but you know I used to feel so good about myself after losing weight and yes, It's stopped. I haven't gained a single pound meaning I've lost 160lbs and I'm keeping it off. Sure, I'm not done, I'm just at a point where I have no time to hit the gym, I have no time to worry about what I'm eating when my lunch break is 15 or 30 mins long and it's a 10 min wait in line to pay. Sure, I don't eat unhealthy, hence why I haven't gained any weight. I don't know. I just want to be happy again. People at work with the fat comments, my boyfriend needing to learn to phrase things better, a lot better, my manager(s) at work... people at bars... just everywhere. I'm surrounded.

I'm starting to think I should have just stayed 380 lbs cuz you know the real truth... It was so much easier tolerating that people called me fat or made jokes when I was that heavy cuz I though zero about myself. Now I think the world about myself... and I'm starting to think I shouldn't.

I feel like I should really make an entry rather than just telling the world I'm hot. I haven't vented in a while and it's time I get some things off my chest, even the good ones.

So school started. Man. It's stressful. I'm working 8-1pm sometimes 3pm then taking classes until 7. I finally get home and I'm beat and just want to relax and sleep it off. My major is still nothing atm. Can't figure out what I want to do. I was set on computer, feeling that the computer programming languages are so interesting that I'd love to be able to learn them, and I do stand behind it, I would love to be able to learn them it's just I picked up a book on C++ the other day to try to jump into it to see what the fuss is about. I was fascinated and happy for a good 2 hours learning to make a silly little program that can change Celsius to Fahrenheit and convert one's weight from pounds to kilograms but when it was all done, I couldn't help but feel like I don't know what I can do with this. Certainly I can't make dinky little programs like that and I'd want something more fulfilling. I keep telling people my heart isn't in medicine, but that is quite honestly a lie. My heart is in medicine, my heart is in healing people; helping them to become better. My fear with that is I've already fucked up enough. GPA is 2.8 atm and med school will wipe their asses with my transcript rather than accept me to med school. It got me thinking, what jobs don't require med school but are still in the health field. I'm going to look into it but maybe take this semester anyway to check to see if I want to do anything else. I'm taking a variety of classes to see if anything sparks my interest. I've been living with my boyfriend too. I moved in with him on August 23rd and ever since it's been fun. We've had our share of fights already, but nothing too serious. It's kind of a good thing, because being in a place where it's just me and him I was wondering how fighting would be, given we can't really.. leave anywhere, neither of us has a car but we've made do. That seems weird right? Talking like "Oh we've made do with our fighting" but it's true. Relationships are work, fights happen! All and all it's been a lot of fun. Getting to wake up with him every morning and seeing him around campus. He visits me at work sometimes and it really makes everything I've worked through with him so much better. Going to the city every weekend, spending well over 300$ traveling back and forth... I've waited for this. When I can see him like this, I'm really content. The place is really nice actually. It seems so small when it's empty but once you put stuff in it, it seems spacious. It's weird. We fit all our stuff and more and we still have plenty of room. The only thing I don't like is the location. The location, ironically enough, was the thing that sold us on the place. The town is one block over, so I thought it'd be nice. The one thing we didn't know was, closing times. Everything around here closes at 10pm. So we need to be on our toes if we need something. Oh I forgot to share this information! But first, a warning. Jazmin, if you're reading, the next line will be a TMI moment so please, skip ahead or something, I'll even make a new paragraph for you so you know where to start reading again! And now, the information: When we first moved in, once I finished building the furniture and beds, we consummated our moving into the apartment, and it was probably the hottest, sex I've ever had. The downside to that, every other sexual conquest has kept me comparing it to that one, and while they're really good, they're just not that one. But the sex has gotten better since we moved in together, which was a good thing cuz I was starting to get worried. I just wish he didn't have such an odd schedule. Like every male, I want some form of sex every second, of every minute, of every hour, of every day. Unreasonable, maybe but hey, I'm a boy. He does too, but he likes the full 9-yards every time and well for me, that'd just be downright painful. But when he does try, he tries at times like 3am after I've been sleeping for 2 hours. Or at 5:30 am, 1 hour before my alarm rings. Boys got some strange sexual clock going on.

Jazmin, it's safe to read from here. What else has been going on in my life... Hm... Working at Starbucks is a nightmare. The new managers don't know a single thing they're doing. They're Ukrainian too so every time I come into work, I always feel like I'm being run by the Ukrainian mob. They keep threatening us like "We have no problem firing you we have a ton of applications" but that's just not cool. I wanna quit so bad, I'm looking everywhere for a job. Got some offers I'm going to check into so who knows, it's not an impossibility. Also, their new kick, they hired a floor manager named Frank who just walks around all day watching us. He acts like this big shot and gives off a really creepy vibe. I think he's sexist and or racist too because he talks to me like I'm king of the place and talks to Judy like she's stupid. He'll be like "Do your own register boy because you know if she makes a mistake or anything it's on your head." It's kinda like, she's my supervisor, if anything, I'll make a mistake before she does. It just urks me. He also brought back the policy that we have to wear hats. And get this, I heard one of my co-workers said something like "Oh, I'm happy to wear a hat, it makes me feel more structured!" or something equally as stepford. Who says that? Honestly. I've been addicted and I mean -addicted- to the show Desperate Housewives. Like it started out at home. It'd come on Lifetime and I'd usually change the channel but one time I didn't and I got addicted. Here and there I'd watch it. Now I downloaded all 4 seasons. I'm on season 2 episode 5 or something. My boyfriend really likes it too. We cuddle in bed together and watch it, as gay as that is. I really enjoy that the most though... cuz I'm lame. But oh my god I could rant for hours on the show. I just found out the black family is keeping a man in their basement, he got out and tried to escape, I got really frightened! I'm not happy with Susan because of what she's doing to Zach but he TOTALLY tried to kill her and Mike so it's so justified, but still. Idk! Time to watch more. I think I've updated everybody enough :]

I'll try to update this more, I promise!

♥ William

I am finally becoming one of those people who can honestly say they like the way they look. It's so vain, it's so wrong, but I know deep down if I saw me on the street (clothed of course and maybe only from the chest up at this point, but non-the-less, progress) I'd find myself attractive.

I'm hot.
Bitch.
That is all.
♥ Will

PS: However, I can't shake the habit of being brought down by petty comments still. I'm learning but whenever someone says something snide or rude, I become a sad panda.

but sacrificing my heart kind of defeats the purpose, doesn't it?

So much to consider.
Things were blown up waaaaaaaaaay too big.

How will that affect the future?
Lot's to consider.

♥
William

My boyfriend and I have been fighting a lot lately. We're moving in together soon so I hope things stop because I don't want to make things awkward for anyone, especially after everyone's been so nice and accepting. I'm sure things will die down because I think I've figured out the problem on my end. I've been in a foul mood lately because I guess I'm just lonely. All my SBU friends are gone essentially, I realized I don't have many after I held up in my room with my roomies after being a social butterfly freshman year, completely ignoring my other friends and now I don't have my roomies. No one calls me, or IMs me lately it seems, everyone's got their own things so I rely heavily on my boyfriend to always want to talk to me. I need to chill with that and just relax. Leo called me and we talked for an hour then I called Saori and we talked for a good 40 mins and it made me feel a bit better, just to remind myself people out there still care for me. Maybe I should have been working on this car thing a lot earlier than I have, so I could escape anywhere I wanted to, to visit the people I wanna see and be with, to make my friends know I care about them enough to drop by from time to time.

Too late for regrets now,
I'll be soon living in a house with 8 other people, 5 of which I know, 3 of which I don't. I'm sure hilarity and good times will ensue, I just hope they like me :]

♥ William

So this week has already started and so much has been happening.

My 3 Month anniversary was 6-28-09 and basically I had to leave the city and then go to my aunt's house for my cousin's birthday party. I was really down because I was upset I wasn't with my boyfriend so I was being a dick to everyone at my aunt's house. That was mega wrong on my part but I made up for it. Then Monday the next day, basically me and my boyfriend had the biggest fight we ever had. It only lasted 1 and a half hours but our fights usually only last 30 mins or even less. So that shook me up because it started as a joke but then escalated on my end because I got worried. I won't get into details. After that we were fine, just talking having fun and he called me 'bro' instead of babe which worried me a bit but he corrected himself. Then this morning I thought we were fine, then I made a comment and he made a comment and I said "Now I feel stupid" and he signed off, and I never heard from him since.

I'm going crazy just wondering what the hell is going on with us lately.

More-so my Ex wants me back like crazy which is flattering me. I'd never cheat ever. Let me set that straight. It's nice my ex is telling me all these things but I'm just taking them and thanking him but he keeps looking better and better the more I fight with my boyfriend. But I know we all have our faults and this too will pass. I just wish I was more calm, that I didnt flip out so much because I bet you anything that he isn't flipping out this much at all. He probably isn't even thinking about it like I am.

Ugh, I feel so helpless and crazy when I fight with people. I get so nervous and uptight about it and it's all I can think about until there is a resolution.

Whatever, I'm drinking tonight to get rid of the stress (in True Alcoholic fashion!)
Maybe this is just getting to me cuz it's so close to our anniversary, which failed cuz I had to go home... I dont know... maybe I'm just pathetic?

♥
William.

PS: In my rage when I met with my ex and told him off for what he did to me back when, I forgot to ask why, and get the closure that I needed. So I got it today, which makes me happy I found out what happened all those months ago and now I know. That was a nice bonus.

I don't know if that's an understatement or not. I have a lot to really talk about but it's going to be a generic family entry. So just run program 'Family Drama:Little Brother' and you'll know the whole generic deal. It's getting worse. Maybe because I'm older now and I'm actually helping my mother around the house more than I ever have. Doing everything around the house like my dad used to, given he did a lot more than I did but I'm getting there and it helps... or it would help if that idiot did some work himself. I'll put the dishes away from the dishwasher and fill it back up with all the dishes that are overflowing in the sink and put on the wash. I'll use 1-2 plates for the day and then when my mom gets home there's an overflowing sink... cuz he keeps eating and putting things in the sink without even washing the shit off. So next time I was the dishes the sink gets clogged from all the food he leaves on the plates, too much work to scrape it in the garbage. I've asked him to do 1 thing. He drinks a shitload of soda, and he's the only one who drinks soda. I have a can or two from time to time however, since I can remember, it was drink a can, rinse it out with water, swish it about, dump the water out and leave it to dry upside down before recycling it. I've asked him could you PLEASE just put water in there and rinse it out because he'll pot all night eat everything and fill the sink then drink everything and next to the sink there's a sticky soda mess. I've asked him 4 times, he's yet to actually do it. It's just getting to me everything around the house I have to do to try to help my mother out but she won't put her foot down and make him do something. He's not going to High School, real HS was just too tough to attend 5 times a week for him so they kicked him out. He's not going to his GED classes because they're too difficult to attend however many times a week he has to go because He's been doing this 1 year and he goes so infrequently I still don't know how many times a week he has to attend. He just sits there and smokes pot all day. Pot Pot Pot Pot Pot Pot Pot all he does. Great life.

I still don't get why people say this doesn't ruin lives.
I don't want a debate, because I've heard the long-winded shit time and time again and I honestly don't care. At this point nothing can sway my decision.

Anyway, before I get out there and see the complete mess in the sink that was a nice empty sink last night when I went to bed, a happier note!

It's been a year since my surgery and my diet. 152lbs lost. I've almost lost my boyfriend. Haha.

Okay for the past two night I've been having these weird dreams that are really starting to scare me. Last night, I went to bed around 12:05, had 3 vague but oh so vivid scary dreams, woke up it was 12:39am. In thirty minutes I scared myself shitless. Tonight, I finally got to bed around 2:15-2:20, had one scary dream, that was the same premise as one of the others, and woke up to my boyfriend calling me at 3am, thank god.

These dreams are horrible, and I don't know why I'm having them. They aren't normal "Get chased by zombies, wake up in a cold sweat because you're scared" kind of dreams... those I can handle and go right back to sleep. In these... idk it's not the dream that scared me, it was the strong strong feelings I got DURING the dreams.

Yesterday's three were:

1. I was in this kitchen. Like the chef's kitchens on TV, all chrome, the soup ladles hanging down and the pans and what not but it was dark. Not pitch black at first but something made an attempt on my life, then it became pitch black. Then it was like watching my own horror through a film, the edges of the 'screen' on which I saw my dream were dimmed, looming, creeping ever so slightly towards the center of the 'screen'. I felt trapped, I felt scared, and immensely alone.

2.It transitioned into me 'waking up' to check my phone, just to see that it was '5:05am' (Still asleep, it wasn't really 5:05am for those 'not the sharpest tools in the shed' who might be reading) Then I don't remember the details but my phone started messing up. Like the texts were jumbled, the names went from John Doe to __HJohn Do)E and random things were added to my phone and random effects that I didn't want. And I remember a strong, strong sense of longing. I was waiting for something on that phone, and I saw it, it said "2 new messages" but I couldn't get to them. It seemed so easy to press one button but dream-me couldn't do it, physically I was being restrained with no restraints.

3. Typical weird dream mode returned for this dream, nothing noteworthy.

Tonight's dream was a variation on last night's 2:

I went to bed and I fell asleep with my phone on and open in my hand (in the dream). Again, the sense of longing but this time less so, a lot less. I 'woke up' to find the phone in my hand and was like "Oh crap..." so I checked the phone list and sure enough there were things that didn't belong. I saw more specific things this time but at this moment I cannot recall them. I remember getting texts and being able to read them! So even though I woke up in my dorm room, the whole dream took place at my house. This kid who wants me (that sounds so egotistical but I shit you not, it's the best way to describe him) texted me something and I ignored it because when I tried texting back, the phone added words I didn't want. Then I opened my dorm door to find I was at home. My roomies were there and then this kid downstairs from me, his girlfriend called me and I couldn't make out the phone ID picture, so I answered. I knew it was her from the voice and went to hang up but I couldn't and these noises kept coming from the phone. Can't recall the actual noises but I felt scared, like something was going to attempt for my life again. So then I asked my roomie why they're here. No answer. I opened the pantry door at my house to find this kid who quit college last year, and I was like "Why are you here?" We had misgivings and needless to say I was not pleased to see him. He informed me everyone was smoking weed on my porch and I flipped out because apparently there was some consequence if the cops got me in trouble one more time that was understood in the dream but was never specifically laid out. Then a sense of being over-whelmed came into play. This kid who wants me was texting me "Open your door I'm here" and the kid who I hate that quit college was ranting to me going "Don't worry man they won't get caught blah blah blah" and then the kid downstairs and his girlfriend were doing things or w/e and just existing which pissed me off since I'm not a fan of them and I felt like I was drowning, I got another text from the kid who wants me which said something along the lines of "Fuck being ignored, your looks only make you a 4-5 anyway" and then I was like wtf and I lost hope, only to hear my phone ring and actually wake me up, and I got to talk to my boyfriend for 1h30m which made it a bit bearable..

Idk what the fuck is up with me lately. I'm not eating anything different, I'm not doing anything out of the ordinary before bedtime, what's wrong?

I've never felt like I was friendless at college up until this point.

I've been too good with separating my groups of friends it seems. I want to drink, I haven't partied in so long. However, I usually drank with my roomies, which quite obviously I don't do anymore. But since that doesn't happen, and I ditched a lot of other people for them in the past, I now have no one 'w'. I texted like 6 people tonight to be like Wanna drink? The girls are going to a girl free drink bar! Which sucks cuz even though I think like one, I still gotta pay at those bars so I didn't wanna go there. Then my one friend is drinking with his roomies in his room and it's clear I'm not invited. Then two didn't even get back to me and the others aren't doing anything.

Yeah...
Next weekend I'm going to a bar/club and I don't care if I'm going alone. I'm celebrating my 21st birthday by getting my drink on and meeting new people (because most likely everyone will be too busy to join 'w')

I'm in a bad mood :/
The Coffee Shop at Kelly always cheers me up though. I've become a regular and one of the girls there likes me a lot so she's very cheerful and it rubs off. That's why I try to stay cheerful so other people can feel the effect :]

♥ always.
William

So my boyfriend decided Street Fighter IV was more important than sex with me for a month.

... He probably thinks he can change my mind, so now I'm going to show him a thing or two.

Well hand, it looks like it's me and you for a little while longer.

(His copy broke, he told me to stop him from wasting money on a new one, I said if you buy one, no sex for a month, he's buying one on Thursday cuz there's a tournament coming up and he wants to 'try')

I haven't updated this thing in a long, long time. I guess life has just been getting away from me, and nothing has really needed to be said. I'll update a couple of things I guess, it doesn't seem like there will be a lot to say (I always say that, then rant for a page and a half don't I?). Anyway, I'll categorize them so in case you want to skip a portion of my life, feel free.

Boyfriend
I'm still with my boyfriend. I'm quite happy with him, I don't care if I only get to see him once a week, it makes the time we spend together even more special. I got to see his house in the city, and sleep over and wake up next to him quite a few times. There's not any other feeling I'd rather feel more, than just having him sleeping next to me. We've done the deed, a little earlier than I'd have liked to do it but I don't regret it. It was special and I'll remember it. Since then it's become a regular thing, it's the best I've had so far. I feel very comfortable with him, more so than anyone else I've dated up until this point. I feel safe with him, like I won't have to worry about him finding someone else because he's very affectionate and I know he likes me like I like him. Someone once told me, the scent a person gives off is very important in personal relations with other people. No matter how the person looks, acts, dresses, etc. if their natural 'scent' isn't favorable to you, then it's a way your body is telling you it's just not feeling it. I know this to be true because I've encountered people like this. With this guy, I'm in love with the way he smells to me. It's not cologne, it's not shampoo or anything, it's just him. He was sick on my birthday, I lent him my shirt so he could keep warm and when I was leaving it smelt like him. I wound up sleeping with it for two nights because it relaxed me and I got sick for a day or two. Haha, I'm pretty stupid sometimes :] I don't regret it.

Weight Loss
I'm losing more and more weight, now down to 133lbs lost total over 10 months. Now that I'm getting down to my ideal weight, close and closer, with every pound I see a significant difference in my appearance. My neck muscles are becoming more prominent, my arms are looking tinier, my stomach is flattening, I love it.

Birthday
My Birthday just passed too, April 22. I'm now 21 years old. My birthday this year, didn't really feel like my birthday. Maybe it's because I'm having problems with a couple of my friends, but still I just... I dunno. I wasn't pleased with it. I turned 21, and had to study for an Organic Chemistry test I had the next night. I didn't get to go out, I didn't get to do anything. I was hoping someone was planning something for my birthday to surprise me but I guess I was being overly optimistic. I didn't mind the actual day though, I went Tuesday night to see my boyfriend and sleep over until Wednesday morning so I can be with him first on my birthday and wake up next to him. But as for a party, It's not happening. I don't know. I'm just giving up on partying for my birthday or ever getting into that dynamic of life. I'm not a party person. I don't think I ever have been, I'd much rather have a group of close friends together, drinking and playing board games or just talking and doing whatever. I'm going to stop trying to be what I'm not and just relax. This being said, I think I've pissed a lot of my friends off with the way I've been acting the past couple of weeks. I just think I've fallen out of the loop for feigning ignorance towards any problems that they've been having, I should remedy this soon. I've just been having too much go on in my life, too stressed out to care about any other drama I don't need.

Family
My family is still a hard thing for me to talk about. I'm growing increasingly worried about my mother over any other member of my family. I come home and all I hear her talk about is winning the lotto. "William, don't plan anything for next week, when I win lotto, we're going to Atlantic city for your birthday, we're going to have this and..." etc. rambles of grand plans for when she wins lotto. I thought it was that one stint but then she keeps going on and on about it. "Sorry we couldn't do anything for your birthday but I'm winning lotto this week..." I keep telling her I don't care, I'm not worried nor am I upset that the family didn't do something elaborate for my birthday. We're not that poor, we can't be that poor... she worries me about everything that'll happen in the future. I also hate the fact that she gives my little brother money. My little brother is a drug dealer. He has plenty of spare cash. I found a picture on our home computer that had bags and bags of weed, and coke all arranged and lined up with like stacks of money lying all around. He has cash, yet he still has the nerve to ask my mother for money. We don't have a lot right now, why can't he understand it like I do? Also, my mother is drinking now. She always has I guess but I'm just noticing it now, more so today when she opened a 6-pack and had two beers while relaxing int he back yard tanning. It was only like 1-2pm so idk... I'm just worried about her a lot. It makes me sad to here her talking about winning lottery so highly now... she has always talked about it but never like this. On the way back to school today she made me stop and buy her a ticket because I'm lucky and then she knows she's gonna win if I buy it... God I hope she wins something... I can't take much more of this type of talk.

Issues with the Room
Last but probably the most influential factor in my life right now is the issues with the roomies. It's been a while since I've spoken to Dan, Joe or Angelo and honestly, I feel indifferent about the whole thing. I mean since then, I've gotten to realize who my friends are, and I've come to the conclusion that I'm an enemy of the whole room. I've been thinking a lot about it since I found out that they all talk about me behind my back. All of them, no exceptions. I wouldn't mind if they said the normal things "What a bitch, I hate that faggot, what a loser" I can take all that crap, but all I hear is that I'm a drama whore who loves drama who always has to eat up drama. That's all good and dandy, it's the default insult when dealing with a gay person and in the past, I'll give it to them it's warranted. I've dealt with things in the past a lot more melodramatically than I have with this situation. This situation I've shut my mouth, dealt with this issue by myself and talked to anyone who said "No I really want to know the story because I don't want to see you upset" and anyone who wanted to remain out, remained out of the situation. I've told them I wanted to remain cordial because I didn't want to make the rest of the year hell and that I want to do this in a mature way. However, they were the ones who decided to ignore me and take the other route. Yet I'll still get all the blame. I've come to the conclusion I don't give a shit anymore. I realized why Dan and them decided to just ignore me, it's because they can. You see, when I try ignoring people it's Me vs the people. When they try ignoring me, it's them AND the people vs Me. They still have everyone on their side, even the people who are remaining 'impartial' to the whole situation. I can't blame them I guess. I've realized every year there was always a main enemy that we all allied against. In my opinion, and to my knowledge, Freshman year was Jerry, until he became no threat, then it was Christian. He was eliminated in the transition to Sophomore year where then it became Kun until he moved out. Then there was no one, until it started with me I guess. I messed up down the line where me and Dan started having arguments. Then I guess my fate was sealed. I was next in line. Like an idiot, I realized I wouldn't be happy... I was just so afraid. So afraid of being alone, of having no one once I left the only people I've associated with primarily for two whole years up until that point. Junior year started nice enough, I tried my best to just hold back any negative emotions I had towards anyone, to choke back my feelings to see if I could just find that happiness I found. However, I found many new friends through my job, and through my new outlook on life, being a lot lighter than I was. I found new strength and I found myself, the person I abandoned coming into college, the person who knew who he was, and knew how to be friendly. The person I branded as a loser and held back. I thank my new friends, and my old friends for showing me who I was again, and giving me strength. Second semester Junior year I kept making new friends, and I found new romance through my boyfriend. The 'incident' happened and I thought I would crumble. It really effected me greatly... and I know that they all attribute it to me being dramatic, but I don't really care any more. It really hurt me and I did break down, I did fall. I didn't know what to do, but my friends were there, to bring me back up. Especially my boyfriend during that time. He wasn't my boyfriend at the time but, it's why I feel so close to him I think. During that time he helped me out tremendously. He was there for me, and gave me strength. All my friends were, they all boosted me up. It was in that moment, I felt like I can make it through anything I ever had to. They still give me strength, and that's why I'm moving away next year. I know that, I can be open and free with anyone I need to. I'm not a hard person to get along with by any standards, I don't feel anyway. But I'm looking forward to getting out of here. I thought I could retain at least on friend from freshman year, from my past. The best year I had at college by far but it seems that everyone's drifted from me, since then.

Prediction
I was reading over my old entries a while ago, and I realized I made a prediction, long ago, freshman year. "Haha, we're all so close, we say it'll be forever, wouldn't it be ironic if by Senior year, we all hate eachother and don't speak?" That was what I said. That came true by Sophomore year. Erzen didn't care for some of my room mates, and apparently has stopped being fond of me so he stopped coming around, Christine found other friends with her sorority so she's never around. Corry has found he own friends as well, no need for us. I remember all of them asking me to come out Sophomore year, but me always rejecting them because I wanted to spend time getting to know my roomies better. Getting closer with the people I felt the least close with. I wanted nothing more than to keep a bond with them going. I always had a fear, since freshman year. I pictured me being alone senior year. Which, pretty much is coming true. I swear I'm clairvoyant sometimes. However, this is different. I pictured myself, Senior year, in a single room somewhere, my phone never ringing, no one to talk to, just being isolated and alone. Emo, right? I dunno, I always have a distinct fear of being alone. However, it's not like that at all. I'm thinking of getting a single room, just for the convenience however, I don't think that's going to happen, I don't like the corridor idea. But I know wherever I'm living, I have friends. I'm not going to be alone. I have people who care about me and care about what's going on in my life. Who actually enjoy my company and think I make life interesting. Even if I'm moving away from the people I've been with, in the sense I'm alone in the next move. But by no means, am I alone with everything.

I'll pull through, I'll see another day. No one can bring me down, or break me. I know who I am, finally. I called it for being long. My boyfriend is here now anyway so this is a good time to end it. I need to get ready to see him~

♥ William

So... probably the best weekend ever. I lost 2-3 lbs this week (roughly), gained 1 boyfriend and spent all weekend with him :]

Yeah...

I'm addicted to him ♥

EDIT: I find it ironically funny that this is the same guy from the March 6th entry, and these are the only two entries I've posted all month and they contradict.

Love it.

I think I just got rejected~
I'm not sure but I'm pretty much almost positive. Idk, I guess I was reading the signals wrong but it sure felt to me that there was something there. Oh well, right? Just gotta keep my head up. I always wondered how I'd take rejection after I lost weight and gained confidence and now I know.

I'd rather be rejected way back when so at least I can blame it on my whale-hood.
What's to blame now?

I'm joining a convent. Call me Brother William my child~

♥ William

It's been made clear I'm not part of the group again.

I should take initiative this time and actually do something rather than sit back being naive "Oh it must have been a mistake."

Nothing is a mistake.

♥
Will.

I'm actually going to elaborate a bit, my usual one liner just to get it out is just not enough this time. I'm not mad really, I'm just so offended and hurt.

So I worked really hard on my Bio Lab report (stayed up all night from 12am->8:40am doing it) and I did a pretty good job. I did it Tuesday Night->Wednesday Morning and it was due Thursday (Today) in lab. So I got it done nice and early! So today after my morning class was over me and Angelo were talking about the TA of the class. He told me he fucked us over. I didn't remember being fucked over so I inquired as to why he said that then he goes "He fucked up some data in our lab, so we all had to re-do our lab reports to reflect that." I was never, ever, ever informed. My group consists of Joe, Dan, and Angelo. Joe knew, Dan knew, Angelo knew, they all knew from eachother, no one told me. So basically I fucked up that part without even meaning to just because no one informed me.

My initial reaction was anger, but I can't even be angry. I'm just so hurt. I sound like a woman "I'm hurt" but I've never known feelings like this. I feel betrayed, I feel pissed off, I feel resentment. I just feel isolated.

Whatever, I'll just leave them alone. I'm clearly not part of their group.

I had an epic one line entry all ready. About how things feel good and it was so epic then I forgot what I was going to say when I was showering now I'll just give a generic update.

Done:
BIO203 Studying.
BIO203 Test Taken.
Eating Right (Semi-failed but at the same time have lost a bit of weight so... Win?)

To Do:
BIO205 Lab Report
BIO205 Pre-Lab
BIO205 CON-Genetically Modified Food research for debate.
I'd estimate a good...6-8 normal person, 12-16 me hours of work for a 2 credit class.
Makes sense, non?

♥

PS: The two people I've spoken to in my class so far:
1: Fair?! You thought it was fair? There were like 8 hard ones right?
2: It was ridiculous but we all knew it was coming, but as long as I do well on the final, I could fail all these it's the final that matters.

I thought it was completely fair and very clever. I'd hate to see what they consider "easy" (Hint: 2+2)

I should never feel too good about myself.

It's been made abundantly clear.

I honestly hate being in the same classes with the same people all the time. It's really annoying. On the other hand, I hate being without them in classes because I feel like they all bond without me. I'm a fucked up individual sometimes lol. But on a more serious note, I like to study alone, and I get more done that way. Being in a class with everyone = Everyone has giant study sessions and I just don't want to be a part of that. I hope it doesn't last too late because I need to get to bed at a decent hour.

I just feel disconnected. That's all. There's not going to be much more said that isn't rambling so you can pretty much stop here.


Onto the rambling.
I feel disconnected from everyone lately. I can't explain why, I can't explain how, it's just this feeling I get. Everyone's really close with each other and becoming increasingly closer however I feel like I'm drifting further apart with each passing day. It might not be a feeling where I'm literally getting further from them whether they all go out without me, or they do something and not tell me, no that's not what I mean. That's the same as usual, I go out and invite them, they turn me down for a quiet night, they wind up partying at home and bond without telling me they're doing much, I'm kinda used to it by now so it doesn't really phase me but it's more in their speech and the way they've acted with me. Joe Dan and Angelo are the three main people I have classes with. We're all science majors so we're taking relatively the same courses. I just get depressed in the courses I'm in with them, and it builds up all week and ultimately hits its peak on Thursdays when all four of us have lab together. It's predictable, it's traceable, I'm telling you it happens gradually. I didn't know why I didn't enjoy having 3 people in lab that I knew until I sat down and thought about it one day. The way they all interact and talk with each other is not the same way they do with me. They can go on about school, classes and what is due, and how to go about doing them for hours but when they talk to me it's like they're talking to a retard. They'll gossip with me, ask me how my life is but they never include me in the intellectual side of things. It really is beginning to annoy me. Prime example, lab last week, we had to do a worksheet. None of us knew about it because we saw it on the "Pre-Lab" requirements but we never got the worksheet in class to do. It turns out it was in the lab manual, Joe emailed the TA about it. Now, Joe Angelo and Dan knew about this new discovery, however I did not. I was never informed that they found the worksheet and, if it wasn't for Dan going "Man, I have the pre-lab to do" to which I responded "Be happy we don't have to do that worksheet cuz our TA fucked up" and him, in response, saying "Oh but Joe and Angelo found it in the book" I would have never ever known :] Then in class I breezed through the answers like it was nothing because I actually know what I'm doing and when I went to try to help Joe and Dan on a question they had to second guess me and take all the time looking up if what I said was true or not, just because the kid across from them said I might be wrong (Which I wasn't, thanks very much).

I'm not stupid.
I don't care if you think I'm stupid, don't fucking treat me like a retard.
I think I just angered myself...LOL
♥

PS: I've been sitting out here in the common room for a good 2 hours now staring @ a TV turned off and Facebook just cuz the only other person that is here this weekend would rather spend time on his comp alone in his room with his sleeping roomie then spend time on the computer in the living room being social with me :]

Update: Joe came to visit andddd as soon as Dan heard his voice he came out of seclusion and now they're drinking beers and playing games in the living room.

Isn't life fun?

Nother Update: I go out to try to live my 'don't give up' motto and I go to sit with them and then "Going to bed soon, yeah I'm out" everyone leaves.

....................................

LOL My Timing/luck/life... not so good.