Two holidays, two birthdays, two long weeks, one case of cabin fever.
I missed a lot of updating. Christmas was good for me. It was very different from previous Christmases in the household, one being my father was not present, but another being the ominous black cloud hanging over the whole holiday. Everyone was acting as if all the gifts were meager, and that we're not doing too well when they were fine, some may say they were a little too much even. I got a couple of games I wanted and anything that was missing I bought with the money I got (Left4Dead anyone?). I got XboxLive finally too haha, it's only been 500 years. The funny part is, the game I got it for, I don't even have the will to play anymore, seeing as I got DCed from it 5 times when I tried playing it. Fast-forwarding to New Years. Now, a tragedy had occurred prior to New Years. I will not divulge into the matter seeing as it is not my place to do so. With that being said, one may think it is hard to celebrate but we saw it as an opportunity to pray for the well-being of all we know, especially the family of one of my close friends, in hopes that 2009 would be an all around better year for all. Instead of running around the block at midnight screaming and looking like freaks since we're the only ones on the block doing it, and did just what we intended to do. I had no time to think of New Years Resolutions, for my usual New Years Resolution post so I'm going to do it now.


"2008:
1. Get on track for the future.
-This basically means do well in school.
2. Find out where my passion is.
-I have no idea what I want to do in life... no clue.
3. Eat better.
-This will never happen so why put it and kill myself over it next year?
4. Not go out with a boy because he gives me attention, and if I'm single, be happy with it.
-I really liked this one but I think it has a lot to do with confidence. I'll try again.
5. Be more confident in who I am
-Basically I want to stand up for me more. I can't rely on others to do so. I'm not good at hiding my emotions at all and people can tell instantly when I'm mad so why not stand up for myself and speak my mind? I dunno, it's really not people at college. I've gotten a few people making comments about my size or some of my mannerism and I mean I don't take them to heart because how can I? However it's still kinda annoying. I mean I don't say stuff like that why attack me? But those people who say stuff like that I don't hold close to me so It's ok. It's really just at home. These people I wouldn't consider even looking at twice decide to say stuff to/about me. Well fuck that. I'm not taking it anymore :] I'll still stand up for other people I guess even though I've been let down utterly in that category.
6. Start speaking my mind more.
-This kind of goes with number 5, only even out of anger, just speaking my mind more.
7. I want to learn how to cook more this year.
-It's so true, theres so many things I want to make and I want to find a way to cook at college so I can make stuff ;D"

Let's see how I did!
1:Failed
2:Failed
3:Success (lol 110ish lbs lighter?)
4:Success (I didn't go out with a boy cuz he gave me attention, no boys gave me attention!) Failed (I'm not happy being single)
5:EPICALLY FAILED
6:Eh... I opened up a little more? Failed.
7:FAILED

2009:
1. Continue dieting as I'm doing, only kick it into full gear. I know there is no true 'end' point, but my original goal is just within reach, and I can't wait to obtain it.
2. Try to live life care-free, but in doing so, avoid making a lot of problems for myself like I have been doing.
3. Try to let people in more. Regardless if they crush me in the end or not. It's all about learning and living.
4. Find something to be passionate about. God knows I need to get something in me started, or I'll just coast through life, achieving nothing.


Those two weeks felt like the longest weeks of my life, and also the shortest. I'd go to sleep around 3am every night, sometimes 4 and then wake up anywhere from 10:30am->2pm which made everything seem like it went in the blink of an eye but dealing with my family sometimes, they make life feel like it's dragging on and on. I'm not allowed to breathe outside of the house for those two weeks because it is strictly 'Family Time'. Which brings me to the cabin fever. I'm going utterly insane. The last two(ish) months of school I was out a lot, always with someone, never really alone and now I'm at home where I quite literally have four friends two of which I never see ever (so...) and two of which I see for the most part but I just feel... selfish commandeering their time when they obviously have other people they could be with. I'm going to start going to the gym soon, I hope, and that'll make me happier.

I just need outttttt.

Anyway now onto more recent events. I found out not five minutes before writing this entry that one of my brother's little friends is coming to stay for a 'couple of days'. I'm assuming it's the 'couple of days' in the sense like "Oh Honey, my brother is down on his luck and he's just going to stay with us for a couple of days is that alright? *7 months later*" couple of days. I feel bad for my mother, I also feel for the kid too because his house got foreclosed on but my mother has two children to support, given I'm doing my own thing lately, but she doesn't need another child to support as well. She most likely said yes, seeing as she cannot say no to the neighborhood drug dealer (apparently!) that is my brother.

I just fear for my mother. I fear for this family.
Please let Nostradamus, or whoever, be right. 2012, let's just end this.

I've lived enough, I can't bear to see my family like this anymore. Torn apart by one little child.

I've said enough.

♥ William.